Wendy Jans

When I came home with my newborn baby, to say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement.  I was overwhelmed with love for this miracle – this little life completely dependent on me for her very survival…  Overwhelmed with fear – fear for her that this big world that can be so harsh and consuming…Overwhelmed at the newness of a life I couldn’t recognize anymore… Overwhelmed by my perfectionistic tendencies – what could be a bigger responsibility than another  life?

I wanted to do everything right.

I wasn’t prepared for the fact that I had entered a sphere where “right” no longer exists.  Yes, there are endless books and magazines and websites touting the ‘right’ answers and, even though my logical brain told me that there are no absolutes when it comes to children, I couldn’t ignore all the ‘shoulds’  – ie: your baby should be sleeping through the night by now… breastfeeding should not hurt … your baby should only take 10 minutes to nurse…   I couldn’t help thinking that I must be doing pretty much everything wrong.

Now, I know a ton of Moms.  I had my pick of the litter in terms of seeking advice and support.  But something was stopping me.  I kept saying to myself “You don’t see them asking anyone for advice, do you?  They can figure this thing out on their own, so why can’t you?” So I kept my mouth shut and let my obsessive brain do what it does best.  Finally one day, after I’d spun myself into a desperate frenzy of frustration, I bit the bullet, swallowed my introversion and pride, and reached out to a friend for advice. This was someone that I haven’t spent a lot of time with, but that I truly respect as a person – she’s got a beautiful family and seems to have it all together.  I sent her a Facebook message asking for advice on this particular issue I was obsessing over and, just minutes later, she responded that she had a great book she would lend me on the subject and could she drop it off?   I didn’t see her message right away and by the time I did, she was at my doorstep, book in hand.

Floored by such a generous gesture and this overwhelming need to connect with someone, I was struggling to maintain my composure as she told me how she’d marked certain chapters for me.  I finally lost it and began sobbing to her, unloading all this isolation and frustration and tears of fatigue on my unsuspecting friend.  In that moment, I expected her to change the subject and back away slowly – making a quick and uncomfortable exit.  But to my surprise, she hugged me and told me she completely understood.  We stood there in the doorway and she cried with me and told me how she’d felt every single thing I was feeling, at one time.  I couldn’t believe it.  I felt so embarrassed at my display of emotion and yet so relieved to know that even her, this ‘together’ woman had also had moments of breaking down and feeling like a failure.

That day was a turning point.  Just knowing that even the strongest among us feel abjectly weak – was the breakthrough I was needing, not even knowing I needed it.

I was not the only one.

It made me wonder if we are given trials because, at some point down the road, someone is going to need us when they’re going through the same thing.  I just hope that I can give someone the gift of listening, hope and compassion that my friend gave me that day.  And I hope that somebody reads this and knows that no matter how isolated and alone you might feel, there are people – respectable, “together” people who have been exactly where you are.  But you’ll never know if you don’t ask.