Ahh Facebook. The simple Let’s-get-in-touch-with-our-old-friends website that turned sinister. Jam-packed with drama and colorful characters, there are a few Facebook personality types that we all know and love.
1. The Humble Bragger
This person really really wants you to know how successful/smart/awesome he is without blatantly bragging, but bragging all the same. He will attempt to offset his brag with some sort of self-effacing, yet charming detail, as in “I woke looking like this [Insert selfie with carefully arranged bedhead] to discover that I’ve been nominated for a Grammy! #feelingsoooblessed #imnotworthy”
2. The Single Focus User
This user has decided to focus on one aspect of his life and provide details about nothing else. You may see endless posts about his career as a musician, complete with photos of him and practically every famous musician alive, and yet have no idea if he’s married, has kids, etc. until some hapless friend posts a picture of him and his four children.
3. The Vague Queen
The Vague Queen likes to post mysterious updates like “I am crushed…not sure I can go on”. These vague posts are inevitably followed by a hailstorm of concerned replies like “Are you okay?” “What’s going on?” ….which she either ignores, or replies in an equally vague way like “It’s just been an unbelieveably awful day”.
4. The I’ve-Lost-Touch-with-Reality Users
These people do not separate their real lives from their online lives. They are seemingly on Facebook 24/7 and actually believe that the online presence they have carefully constructed is the real them. Woe be to you if you cross these folks. They wield the unfriend button like a weapon and if you have been unfriended from their Facebook account then you are dead to them in real life, too.
5. The Self-Promoters
The Self-Promoters look at their friend list and see dollar signs. FB friends are nothing but potential fans for their next gig, candidates to lure into their multi-level marketing scheme, future clients, etc. They use Facebook almost exclusively to promote themselves and/or their business.
6. The Political Ranters
Political Ranters typically take themselves and their political opinions very seriously. They buy into every salacious headline so long as it plays into their chosen political angle and proceed to go on a tirade at regular intervals. They are typically arrogant, self-righteous and intolerant when someone dares question their beliefs. Usually they are looking for virtual high-fives from like-minded friends rather than rational discourse and are much too overbearing to expect to sway anyone’s vote.
7. Trend Followers
If there’s a trend going on that makes these users look socially conscious and cool, they are the first to change their profile pic and post passionately… Because the current trend always magically matches their pet cause, too. They have no problem following the crowd so long as it makes them look good to their friends.
8. The Ghosts
Ghosts are the friends who have a seemingly deserted Facebook page. Usually there is a string of Happy Birthday wishes with no replies and no personal posts since. Most of these users tired of Facebook and have moved on to greener pastures but others lurk on FB anonymously, never commenting or posting so as to keep up the illusion that they not there.
9. The Oversharers
Oversharers are under the impression that everyone is curious about what they had for lunch, how their gnarly wound is healing beneath its bandage and would like to see every unflattering selfie they’ve ever taken.
10. The Mundane Posters
These users were vaccuum salesmen in a former life. They blurt out random, uninteresting factoids about their day that no one could possibly give a rip about. I.e.: “I ate a waffle and an orange for breakfast today.” Whoop de do – thanks for sharing!
11. The Sad Sacks
If something sad and tragic is not happening in their lives (which it usually is), the sad sack will find a traumatic news item to share or passionately call for prayer/good thoughts for a friend of a cousin’s coworker that is going through something terrible. They smell drama like a pig smells slop and they come running.
12. The Guilters
The Guilters posts often start with “Let’s see how many people are actually reading my posts….” The post often ends with a vague threat to defriend you if you do not do as they have required (usually copy and paste their post – NOT share it!)
13. The Thread Hijackers
These are the people that can take an innocent post and and make it gross or dirty in one fell swoop. They tend to have no awareness of what’s appropriate and what’s not. Thread Hijackers can alternately be the pooper of the party when you post something funny and they just have to add a comment to dampen everyone’s fun. Ie: “I don’t think that’s funny. My grandfather pooped his pants once in a grocery store and he died from diarrhea.”
14. The My-Life-is-Better-Than-Yours Users
These are the people who, with every photo and every post they write, are trying to make themselves look like they won the contest for Best Life Ever. Oh wait…. that’s pretty much everyone on Facebook (with the exception of The Sad Sacks).
15. The “I’m Taking a Facebook Break”
These are the friends that are so addicted to Facebook that they can’t seem to peel themselves away and need to actually disable their accounts in order to not look at it. It’s good to know your weaknesses though and part of me hopes that, in their hiatus, they make the startling discovery that real life is actually more fulfilling than Facebook and, for their own sake, stay gone.